10:29:23

Letters from old boyfriends. Just found this one last week. Haven’t read it since I got it in 2018. They don’t make people like this anymore, with this kind of warmth and loyalty. Helps me to keep going. My strength has always been a problem for people, especially men, especially now. Somehow it was easier before. Says a lot about where we are and what matters to people now. Playing it safe, compliance. Where is the fire, the soul?

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Dearest Masha,

i have been thinking about you. saw a movie by a young woman who just finished nyu film school.  it was powerful and disturbing. she said she liked making people uncomfortable with film - it reminded me of you.  the truth makes people uncomfortable sometimes.  what does the song say - ‘the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.’

you were always and still are a fighter.  so pure.  so unrelenting and unwilling to back away from what is right.  very few people like that in the world, especially now.  most people cave.  compromise. give in.  yield.   accept.  settle.  not you. you were like that at 14, 15, 16. and I know you are still like this today, even though we haven't seen each other in 20 years. you are always there in my mind, always. with the string of random things that get chained together when life presents me with people I think of who are similarly strong--and then I always land back on you... I just dont know anyone else who would even contemplate the things you always have. 

I emailed you today just because you are you and you are true and we live in the world of lies and liars and scammers.  it is sad where we are.  there is no voice of truth. but you always had it. You are a very special person and I think of you so warmly and with such admiration.  I hope you are well.  My time with you was so pivotal.  I learned so much.  your brave soul, brave heart.  fearless in pursuit of the truth.  I have spent and spend so much time with fakers.  With idiots.  With blandness. Why? We are here only for so much time! and what is more important than love?  I need to change some things in my life, you inspire that.  still. I always saw you.  Always respected you.  Always admired you.  Looking at you was like looking at a mirror that reflected the world as it really was.  Without anyone’s ability to manipulate it into whatever their own minds could make of it.  You have more depth and power and beauty than anyone I ever knew, to this day. Stay strong.  It matters what you do.  Who you are. Everyone you touch.  It matters to them.   Maybe not as much as you want or as much as you can see.  But it matters.  The most valuable currency in the world is the impact you have on other people.

Remember “what is the chicken”?  My daughter says that to people now, like you did at 14.  she has the same insanely weird sense of humor as you!

Maybe one day we will find a way to spend time together and catch up soon? I would love to see you.

B